Beating up Mommy.

So I'm writing this to get my thoughts out...and hopefully it will help somehow.  Theraputic maybe?

So.  Breastfeeding.  Yep, this is a post on breastfeeding.  You know every mom blogger has at least one, LOL.

I never even attempted it with Spawn.  Or Sweet Nut.  The ex did not want me doing it.  I was ok with the decision with Spawn, because, I was 19...I didn't think much about it.  I wanted to at least try it with Sweet Nut.  But no.

Then the Chef came along and soon after followed Cute Boy.  I told him, scared he would have the same reaction as the ex.  And was totally surprised when he told me to go for it.  So I did.  He latched on like a champ right after he was born.  And for days after.  But I had some complications in the hospital, and had excessive bleeding and clotting.  So my midwife put me back on pitocin, as well as medication by mouth to make my uterus contract.  That night, as I went to nurse Cute Boy, I felt like I was in labor all over again.  So I caved and gave him formula.  When things calmed down, we did a mix of formula and breastfeeding.  Then we found our sweet baby had allergies, and had a problem digesting milk.  I tried the elimination diet, but couldn't do it as much as he needed me too.  So he was put on a special formula that he remained on until he was over a year old (well actually one until he was about 6-7 months, and the other from 7 months until 17 months.)

So when Baby Goober was coming, I knew I wanted to try again.  I knew I could do it, Cute Boy was a champ at it.  So I psyched myself up to do it.  Was ready to go the distance this time around.

Here we are at 3 weeks in and he's had more formula than breastmilk, and I feel like I've failed him.

In the hospital, he refused to latch...well he'd latch, last a few minutes if that, and he'd be off, and done.  I was getting frustrated, so Chef said just to give him the bottle, and we could try at home.  That me being frustrated and angry and tired weren't helping.  So we did.  For the record, I think the fact that he went to the nursery fairly quickly after being born, and was already hours old by the first time we attempted has played a part.  And I'm annoyed and angry at myself for not fighting more to keep him with me.  We had to argue with the nurse even to get him back that night.  He was born at 7:16.  I held him for a few minutes before they took him to clean him up and check him.  They brought him back, and then my midwife asked if I wanted to hold him while she stitched up my tear and I said yes.  The nurse came to take him and the midwife said to leave him and she said something about needing to do something and not wanting me to hold him while she stitched me.  I was slightly out of it (I was pretty tired) but I remember her taking the baby and the midwife just looking at her.  We got him back for a few minutes and she said she needed to take him to the nursery to do something.  So we let him go.  She came back awhile later to bring me to my postpartum room and we asked for the baby...she kind of laughed it off telling us we were exhausted and we needed to rest so just let him stay in the nursery.  I said NO, I wanted him with me at night and if I chose to I'd send him to the nursery later on. She laughed it off like I didn't know what I was talking about.  I said he's not my first, he's my fourth.  I just had him and I've spent maybe a half hour with him total since he was born.  I want my baby and I want him NOW.  We got him back around 9:45 almost 10pm.  Anyways.

We got home and he still continued to not latch.  So I started pumping and supplementing with formula.  Then it turned to formula supplemented with breastmilk.  We still try to breastfeed, but he wants nothing to do with it.

We found out today that he's got thrush.  I've suspected it for a few days now.  I'm wondering how long he's had it and if it's been contributing to our issues.  I guess I'm looking for anything to tell me why I can't get this to work.

It sucks because I know I can't pump enough.  As of right now I get about 2 ounces a session, and he eats 4-5 in a feeding.  I know if I could pump more, I could produce more.  But being home with the boys alone for 10+ hours a day makes it hard to be stuck to a pump for 20 minutes every 2 hours or so.

It sucks because I wanted so bad for this to work this time.  And I can't make it.  I know he's still young enough that we can keep trying...I'm trying not to get discouraged.  We keep trying different things...but I wonder how much longer I can drive myself crazy trying.  And then I wonder if I just give up now, how long will I wonder what if?

Why can't parenting be easy?

6 years ago today...

Sweet Nut-June 2005

Sweet Nut,

   Six years ago today you changed the world.  You made me a mommy of 2.  You made Spawn a big brother for the first time.  And you scared the life out of me.  But that's nothing new.  You continue to do that often. :P

I can honestly say that every day you make us smile.  You definitely bring sunshine into our lives.

Having a "spicy" first Halloween-2005

I'm impressed by you daily.  You have *shined* this year in school.  You love showing Daddy, Papi and me things you have learned.  You love to read to anyone who will listen.  And you love to show how smart you are in math.

One of Mommy's favorite pictures-June 2006

You also adore your brothers.  Most of the time.  You often refer to Spawn or Cute Boy as your "best buddies".  And you just smother Baby Goober with hugs and kisses whenever you can.  And although you were sad that Mommy had to miss your birthday party in school this year, because she went to the hospital to have Landon, you still had a fun time with Daddy.

becoming a big brother for the first time-March 2007

Birthday Party at school-being serious with Daddy

June 2011

There's the real Sweet Nut.

Happy Birthday silly boy!  We Love You!

And then there were six...

The Baby Goober has arrived!

So it's been a bit of a crazy week here, adjusting to having a newborn again, dealing with Goobers, the Chef has a new schedule, etc.

Anyways, here's Baby Goober's birth story.

Tuesday, May 31st, I went in for a regular appointment for my 39 week check-up.  They did a NST (and he semi-cooperated) and checked me.  I was 2cm.  I spoke to my midwife about induction.  I was planning on one since all of the other Goobers had to be evicted.  She said we'd talk about it next week at my 40 week appt and would probably be sometime that week.  I asked if we could just schedule it now because the Chef was getting a new schedule at work and we were trying to figure out who was watching the other Goobers etc.  She said she'd give me a call that day and let me know.

I got a phone call that afternoon telling me to be at the hospital at 7am the next morning.  *SHOCKED*  So I called the Chef, and we scrambled figuring out what to do with the boys between the sitter and the exes, spoke to Chef's boss and got his schedule figured out, ran to the grocery store and got cupcakes and juice boxes for Sweet Nut's birthday party at school the next day, packed the hospital bag, spent time with the Goobers before dropping them off at the sitters that night.  I don't know who had a harder time with the drop off that night, Sweet Nut and Cute Boy or the Chef and me.  

We got to the hospital just before 7am, and had to wait a bit, since it was a full house.  We ended up in a postpartum room where they started us off with everything and the pitocin was started around 8.  There was 3 other inductions and 2 c-sections going on so we had to wait for the c-section to get under way before they moved us to the regular labor and delivery room...that was almost at 10am!  Our midwife came in to check me around 8:15 and the nurse told her that she was having a hard time keeping Baby Goober on the monitor. No surprise to us, since he's been this way EVERY time a monitor was put on!  She broke my water around 8:20 am and put an internal monitor on him.  

Once we made our way back to our labor and delivery room I was able to sit in the rocking chair for a bit.  It was the first time EVER that during a delivery I wasn't made to stay in a bed, so I was very happy.  I spent a good couple hours rocking away the contractions.  They started getting rough, but I was able to deal with them.  Around 12ish, they started getting pretty strong, and I knew I wanted my epidural soon, but a delivery was going on and they had grabbed my nurse to help.  She ran in the room to tell me she'd be back as soon as she could.  Awhile later, she came back and had the midwife come down and check me, and the midwife said I could have my epidural.  They were ready to go with it pretty quick and it worked almost right away.  The Chef caught up on sleep while I tried to relax.  I was comfortable, but couldn't sleep, so I watched some TV.

My mom came in later that afternoon and commented on how "happy" I was.  Drugs are good :D  She left to go get my dad, and grab some dinner.  I remember around 6ish starting to feel pressure, and around 6:40ish it was bad.  They got the midwife in and she checked me and there was some cervix left, but she told me to push through the pressure to see if we could get rid of it.  Just before 7 I started pushing.  At 7:16pm Baby Goober entered the world on June 1st, 2011 weighing in at 8 pounds 5 ounces and 20 inches long.

Spending some time with Mommy

Meeting Papi

All Cleaned Up

My First Morning

Posing with Uncle Golden Boy

Meeting GG (Grest grandma)

Ready to go home

First morning at home

The bigger goobers came home 24 hours after we brought Baby Goober home.  I missed them bunches, but it was nice being able to recooperate a bit at home before the monsters attacked boys came home.

Meeting Spawn

Meeting Sweet Nut

Meeting Cute Boy

First picture of all the goobers (don't mind the mess in the window-I lived on the couch the first day home)

Typical man...passed out on the couch

And his 1 week old picture

So, we've been a little bit preoccupied here to say the least.  Haven't had to many jealousy issues, but we are dealing with trying to be a bit quieter when Baby Goober is sleeping.  Spawn and Sweet Nut are almost done with Kindergarten and 2nd Grade.  They've got 2 weeks left.  We're not doing a vacation this year, but we're going to be taking some day trips.  We're close to lots of fun things like the Bronx Zoo, Six Flags, Philly, etc.  It's also nice because the Chef was able to change his schedule to be working the same amount of hours, but he's home 3 days a week by 4pm, and has one full day off as opposed to only being home by 4 once a week and one day off...he still works until 8pm 3 nights a week, but it's better than 8pm 3 nights a week and 10pm 2 nights a week.  The only thing we all are getting used to is we have to bring him to work at 6am.  But, we can deal with that in exchange for having him home with us more.

I hear some squeaking coming from the swing so I should get ready to feed the little guy soon...he's a good baby so far.  He squeaks before he really cries, but if you ignore the squeaking, he'll show you just how loud he can get :D