Beating up Mommy.

So I'm writing this to get my thoughts out...and hopefully it will help somehow.  Theraputic maybe?

So.  Breastfeeding.  Yep, this is a post on breastfeeding.  You know every mom blogger has at least one, LOL.

I never even attempted it with Spawn.  Or Sweet Nut.  The ex did not want me doing it.  I was ok with the decision with Spawn, because, I was 19...I didn't think much about it.  I wanted to at least try it with Sweet Nut.  But no.

Then the Chef came along and soon after followed Cute Boy.  I told him, scared he would have the same reaction as the ex.  And was totally surprised when he told me to go for it.  So I did.  He latched on like a champ right after he was born.  And for days after.  But I had some complications in the hospital, and had excessive bleeding and clotting.  So my midwife put me back on pitocin, as well as medication by mouth to make my uterus contract.  That night, as I went to nurse Cute Boy, I felt like I was in labor all over again.  So I caved and gave him formula.  When things calmed down, we did a mix of formula and breastfeeding.  Then we found our sweet baby had allergies, and had a problem digesting milk.  I tried the elimination diet, but couldn't do it as much as he needed me too.  So he was put on a special formula that he remained on until he was over a year old (well actually one until he was about 6-7 months, and the other from 7 months until 17 months.)

So when Baby Goober was coming, I knew I wanted to try again.  I knew I could do it, Cute Boy was a champ at it.  So I psyched myself up to do it.  Was ready to go the distance this time around.

Here we are at 3 weeks in and he's had more formula than breastmilk, and I feel like I've failed him.

In the hospital, he refused to latch...well he'd latch, last a few minutes if that, and he'd be off, and done.  I was getting frustrated, so Chef said just to give him the bottle, and we could try at home.  That me being frustrated and angry and tired weren't helping.  So we did.  For the record, I think the fact that he went to the nursery fairly quickly after being born, and was already hours old by the first time we attempted has played a part.  And I'm annoyed and angry at myself for not fighting more to keep him with me.  We had to argue with the nurse even to get him back that night.  He was born at 7:16.  I held him for a few minutes before they took him to clean him up and check him.  They brought him back, and then my midwife asked if I wanted to hold him while she stitched up my tear and I said yes.  The nurse came to take him and the midwife said to leave him and she said something about needing to do something and not wanting me to hold him while she stitched me.  I was slightly out of it (I was pretty tired) but I remember her taking the baby and the midwife just looking at her.  We got him back for a few minutes and she said she needed to take him to the nursery to do something.  So we let him go.  She came back awhile later to bring me to my postpartum room and we asked for the baby...she kind of laughed it off telling us we were exhausted and we needed to rest so just let him stay in the nursery.  I said NO, I wanted him with me at night and if I chose to I'd send him to the nursery later on. She laughed it off like I didn't know what I was talking about.  I said he's not my first, he's my fourth.  I just had him and I've spent maybe a half hour with him total since he was born.  I want my baby and I want him NOW.  We got him back around 9:45 almost 10pm.  Anyways.

We got home and he still continued to not latch.  So I started pumping and supplementing with formula.  Then it turned to formula supplemented with breastmilk.  We still try to breastfeed, but he wants nothing to do with it.

We found out today that he's got thrush.  I've suspected it for a few days now.  I'm wondering how long he's had it and if it's been contributing to our issues.  I guess I'm looking for anything to tell me why I can't get this to work.

It sucks because I know I can't pump enough.  As of right now I get about 2 ounces a session, and he eats 4-5 in a feeding.  I know if I could pump more, I could produce more.  But being home with the boys alone for 10+ hours a day makes it hard to be stuck to a pump for 20 minutes every 2 hours or so.

It sucks because I wanted so bad for this to work this time.  And I can't make it.  I know he's still young enough that we can keep trying...I'm trying not to get discouraged.  We keep trying different things...but I wonder how much longer I can drive myself crazy trying.  And then I wonder if I just give up now, how long will I wonder what if?

Why can't parenting be easy?